The Top-Ten Comedic News Stories of the Year

Okay. Just so you know: The Top-Ten Comedic News Stories of the Year are as different from the Top-Ten Legitimate News Stories of the Year as a tower of giraffes is from a small paper bag of locking quarter-inch steel washers painted blue.

Other stuff may have had a bigger impact on America and the world, such as an African-American guy whose middle name is Hussein winning the presidency. But the Agent from Change is about as funny as over-the-counter ear drops. Mocking hope right now is too much like kicking small, whimpering furry things with big eyes. He’s bound to loosen up after a few weeks on Pennsylvania Avenue, but until then, here are the stories from ‘08 that were most filled with humorosityness.

10. Proposition 8. Organized religion does all it can to guarantee gays will not be burdened with the right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

9. New York Gov. and Emperor’s Club member, Eliot Spitzer. Flies a hooker from New York to D.C. because, as we all know, there aren’t enough hookers in D.C. Gives her four grand and puts her up at the Mayflower Hotel. Now, that’s a liberal. A conservative would try to get it for free in an airport men’s room stall. Demonstrating fiscal responsibility.

8. Joe Biden. Has potential to fill gaffe gap being vacated by George Bush. Inserts his foot into his mouth so often he should invest in mint-flavored shoelaces.

7. The National Political Conventions. James Dobson’s Focus on the Family called for a storm of biblical proportions to disrupt the outdoor acceptance speech of Barack Obama on last day of the Democratic Convention. What happened? Hurricane Gustav slammed into New Orleans, canceling the first day of the Republican Convention. Proving God has a sense of humor or… be extremely careful what you ask for.

6. Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Gives a bad name to people with bad names. What is it about the Springfield Capitol that makes it work like a halfway house in reverse? Economy is so bad, Hair Helmet probably offered free shipping with Barack’s Senate seat.

5. The Primaries. (A.) Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee raises hand at a New Hampshire Presidential Debate when asked, “Who doesn’t believe in evolution?” In May, he explains he is still campaigning because “at this point, its survival of the fittest.” (B.) In Philadelphia, Sen. Hillary Clinton says “in this race, I am Rocky Balboa.” Obviously forgetting that in first movie, Rocky loses. To a black guy.

4. President George W. Bush. A lame duck, but a good ducker. International community angry at Muntadhar al Zaidi. Not for trying to hit the president with his size 10s, but because…( a.) his aim was bad, and (b.) he wasn’t a centipede.

3. Sen. John McCain runs worst campaign ever. That includes France in ‘39 and Cloris Leachman on Dancing with the Stars. Doesn’t know how many houses he has. Should do what I do. Every time I get four houses, I trade them in for a hotel.

2. The Economy. When everybody in America knows the name of the Secretary of the Treasury, that’s not good. Line of the year courtesy of an anonymous Wall Street broker: “This is worse than a divorce. I’m worth half what I was… and I’m still married.”

1. Gov. Sarah Palin. For those destined to go cold turkey on Bush, she is like a dose of methadone. And she’s sticking around. How you going to keep them down in Juneau after they’ve seen Neiman Marcus?

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